To become aware is to become conscious of an unfathomable inner dimension, from which I can perceive myself and all of life. It’s hard to explain, but as I look back now, I see the differences in my previous perception of the world. Back then, there was no space, with everything I perceived existing on a much more superficial level. I believed it to be the ultimate truth … that of a flat, two-dimensional experience – everything was exactly, and only, that which I saw.
There was nothing deeper, more meaningful, to connect with. If I sat on a beach, it would be me, Ricardo Chin, staring at the sea and its inherent beauty. If I was having a conversation with someone, it would be me, that person, and the absolute seriousness of the matter being conversed. My focus, then, was concentrated solely on everything that I could see – the absolute ‘truth’ that presented itself at face value.
On this level, everything felt so real, so full of immediate importance; a state whereby life was happening to me. A passenger in my own life, I found myself consumed by the day-to-day, external driving forces of life, propelling me in one direction or the next.
One day, whilst reading a book, I found myself in the middle of a seemingly spontaneous spiritual intervention – an experience that words can never do justice; and one that seemed to yank me clean out of my flat, unconscious, two-dimensional existence, drawing me deeper into the essence of my very being. I was shown a number of interconnected events in my life that had all taken place specifically in service of the moment I was now having. Each moment, albeit indirectly, had led purposely to this point in my existence.
It took me by surprise – so much so that, at the time, I didn’t quite understand what was happening. But as I watched the highlights of these events play out in my mind’s eye, over what seemed to be a much longer span of time than the few moments it actually took for them to display, my body gently shuddered. For the rest of the day, I found myself in a state of complete calmness. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something fundamental had changed within me.
The next day, upon waking up, I went through my morning routine, picked a client up and headed towards my first location. Around thirty minutes into our journey, I became aware of a fizzing sensation in my brain, coupled with an awareness that I hadn’t been thinking – in fact, I hadn’t had a single thought during the journey, until this moment. This was very strange for me, considering that up until then, I had been accustomed to a stream of incessant thoughts that swept me away into imaginary scenarios and conversations.
I hadn’t been aware that that’s what had been happening, for until this moment, I had been my thoughts … I had been my thinking … there had been no space around or outside them. I had identified as every single thought; I had identified as a lifetime of thinking. All of a sudden, there was space – I wasn’t my thoughts anymore. I had become aware of them as something else … something that wasn’t ‘Me’. I could observe my thoughts and not get swept away by them. There was now space between me, and them.
Since that day, everything has changed. Now, if I sit on a beach, it’s not just Ricardo Chin staring at the sea. If I’m having a conversation, it’s not just me, that person and the absolute seriousness of the matter being conversed. I no longer view the world around me, and my experiences within it, via a flat, two-dimensional face valued standpoint. Now, whenever I sit anywhere or do anything, what I experience is ‘Me’ experiencing what it is to be Ricardo Chin, who is experiencing the game of life from a very unique, one in eight billion chance perspective.
I get to feel everything on the spectrum of emotion. I get to experience happiness, pleasure, grief, sadness, loss and shame, among manifold other emotions. I get to pose questions to myself – what is it to listen to music and truly feel moved by it? To feel the sun beating down and washing over my face? To feel the rain and wind on my skin? Familial, friendly and/or romantic love? Suffering, and everything else that is possible to feel as a human being?
What a beautiful gift it is to be able to feel anything and everything; and, even more, to be aware of it. I am in awe of my awareness in this precious gift of life, every single day.